I'm with Lee - pepper spray might work on someone who's allergic to capsaicin, but if you'd use it on me I'd ask for some prawn crackers to go with it.
Since it's illegal to posses or carry any of this - if I were determined to have it on me anyhow - what the hell - I'd go with the real military grade stuff. Anyone who has experience with tear gas knows its debilitating qualities.
why stop at tear gas? for the ultimate in self defense:
1. distill Caribbean gold into pure ethanol, and heat the ethanol in battery acid (H2SO4) and get ethylene.
2. stick the terminals of a battery into salt water, get chlorine gas on the positive side
3. put some sulfur powder into toluene nail polish remover, shake the mixture with the chlorine gas to get sulfur chloride
4. mix sulfur chloride with ethylene and you have mustard gas.
p.s. for safety, make sure someone is holding your beer while attempting the above mentioned procedures.